Ok before I tell you this story let me just say that I'm going leave a good chunk of the grossness out of this just for my own sake. Leaving this out may cause confusion as to the severity of my illness, but as long as I don't feel embarrassment I'm ok.
So let me start it out this way and your minds can wonder...
I walk out of the bathroom completely freaked out and still in pain. *pause for your imagination to create something magical*
You see this all started out on Tuesday with an annoying little pain at the top of my stomach, no big deal. By the end of the day I was feeling a sharp pain on my lower right side almost like someone just shanked me and the knife was left there. Ok, I can handle this. Wednesday a little less of the shanking and now i have this pressure/pain feeling in my lower back Kidney region. Hrmm... something doesn't seem right. Then the bathroom incidents. Enough said there.
So yesterday my back was killing me. Then came this overwhelming stomach ache, followed by the nauseas gonna throw up all over the place feeling. Fast forward to opening statement. "I walked out of the bathroom completely freaked out and still in pain". Now this is when I started to scare myself, my mom told me it might be my gall bladder and I may surgery. Part of me thinks that she just wants to see me scared and knows just how to do it. So she mentioned surgery and of course cause I've never experienced any type of surgery procedures I freak out and start to cry like the 4 year old I suddenly become. I don't know, hospitals, surgeries, why not just throw a 5 foot penguin in the mix too!
So off to the hospital I go. First hospital, Methodist Emergency Room. As soon as we drive up first thing I see is a lady having a really bad sezure, we're talking she shaking violently and she threw up on the concrete and everything. We walk in and wait for someone at the check-in area, there are two older ladies on the other side of the glass obviously waiting for someone as well. One lady says to us, "If you need a nurse, I think we got you beat." She lifts her arm and there is this huge gash just gushing blood. I look further in and she sitting with her arm over a trash can that she's obviously bleeding into. The nurse arrives and says its gonna be at least 10 hours and we should go to a different hostpital.
We end going to the Methodist Transplant Hospital, I was the 3rd person there. I probably waited in the waiting room for about 20 mins before I got my bed in the back. I had strip down to my skivvies and put on the gown that's like 12 sizes to big and only has two ties in the back.
OH WAIT. Check this out... when the murse (male nurse) was checking me in, he had to check off if I suffer from heart diesease, diabetes, you know all that stuff. So he checked off no on everything and you know what this asshole checked YES on.... OBESITY!!!! WTF!!! I just lost 30 lbs, my doctor told me I was no longer obese and this duche bag murse with a fanny pack says I am. Jerkface!
Anywho, next my nurse came in to hook me up to an IV and take blood. When I went to the hospital back in 1999 with food posioning the lady rolled my vein and I was bruised for almost a month. So my fear of IVs and taking blood has continued.
So this lovely lovely nurse whom I shall call Susie began the slicing and dicing process in my hand. She shoved what can only be described as some sort of samarai sword in my right hand and moved it around a bit. Nurse Susie then told me that I have to many valves in my hand, next thing you know she rips the needle out of my hand and tells me she almost blew my vein. Great. She began the slicing and dicing process in my arm, holy crap the pain was unreal. The IV gets hooked up after a couple tries and I become really woozy, my mom was standing over watching me being tortured with glee and I had to tell her to step back cause I was feeling claustrophobic all of sudden. My lovely Nurse Susie says she was going to give me morphine. I decline just cause I've never taken morphene before and I was kinda scared about how my body would react. She gave me some other drug. I was so fussy by this point and fidgitey and I just couldn't sit still but let me tell you once that medicine started to course threw my veins I knocked out! Snoozeville.
I wake up as the doctor comes in and I have to explain my symptoms for like the umpth-billionth time. Then he starts feeling my stomach all over. I was being silly and thought, well i'm starting to get some definition in my abs why not flex em. So I show this 60+ yr old doc what this obese girls abs feel like. hahaha! After awhile I stopped cause I got tired. He ordered all tests from head to toe. CT Scan, Pregnancy test (whoa!), Piss test, Spelling Test (i kid), everything!
I probably had to wait about 2 hours to get the CT Scan done. Let me tell you there was some wild things going on around me. They wheel in some hot guy in a strecher and put him the bed next to me. SCORE! Not so much, all the EMTs started explaining what was wrong with him. "This is so-and-so and he just took 15 pills of *painkiller* and his friend said that he just snorted *amount* of crack and then followed with smoking meth, He is on suicide watch." Then all the nurses start asking him why he took so many pills but he was too groggy to answer, so they just hooked him up with an IV. After a bit he wanted to leave and a murse came by and was like "if you leave now you'll never get help." Man it was so an episode of Grey's Anatomy, but minus the McDreamy and insert the McSenile.
I saw a guy that was all handcuffed and with 4 bald cops go in, and I saw this gorgeous tall skinny blonde female cop , you don't see cops look like her in San Antonio. Anywho I think got shot at but luckily she had a bullet proof vest on. You could see the red spots where bullets hit her left side of her upper chest. Crazy!
Around 1am I got all my results back... nothing is wrong. I am the prime example of supreme health. Which is good to know since I haven't had a physical of some sort in well over 6 years. Next came the doctor and his many theories of what might be wrong with me. Everything from I'm just ovulating to it could be my intestines, gall bladder, hemeroids, bad taste in music, anything that popped into his head he told me.
So needless to say, I left feeling a little better when I went in thanks to the meds but I love going to doctors and they have no clue how to diagnois me. Oh when the murse was checking me, I guess they have to ask "What is your goal for us today?" huh? Seriously? So I simply replied, "Cure Me." Is that too much to ask? I didn't think so.
I finally left around 2am, what a long night and to top it off I was wide awake and didn't go to sleep till around 4am. I could barely wake up this morning for work. Oh what a day. I wonder what's wrong with me?
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