What I dreamt in an hour.

My alarm goes off at it's usual time of 5:30am. I do my routine I jump up in a panic that I'm horribly late, then I see it's only 5:30 and of course... I fall back asleep. This time, I dream...
I dreamt that it was my senior year of college and I'm right back at OLLU. Only this time I have the "what I know now" knowledge under my belt when I return. I remeber walking to my class I was looking around and this time really appreciating my school, studying the old architecture, looking at all the old desks, as if I'm going antique shopping. Oh, this peice would look great next to my new sofa.

Anywho, I walk into my class room and I sit down. I see my old friend Darlene and you can tell she's in a panic about our empending graduation. I tell her, don't stress.. your gonna walk the stage, I know. I was there, or... I mean I just know you will. I didn't really see many people I knew, but there was a handful of faces that I hadn't seen in a while including this really nice guy that passed away a few years back. I didn't freak out when I saw him, I just kinda played it cool. I smiled, he smiled and it was left at that. The teacher walked in and gave us our lesson. The entire time though I was looking at my graduate plan and seeing how many hours I had, and what I was going to end with when I graduated.

I think in reality I actually ended with 133. I took a lot of 18/19 hour classes, not to mention those fun electives. Aerobic Kick Boxing!!! lol. Anywho, so in my dream I started to ask myself the question that I kinda fussed with back when I was getting ready to graduate. I remeber looking at the course book under the Theater section and noticed that I needed 2 theater classes, a Spanish class then I would of double majored in Psychology and Theater. At the time, I wanted out of school so bad that I opted not to take the extra semester. In my dream though, knowing what I know now I jumped at the chance.

My classmates were stunned by my decision but I didn't care, It was what I should of done from the get-go. So instead of going to the graduation rehearsal I walked to a little t-shirt shop and did what any girl who made a big decision would do... I shopped. lol. I met the store owner/DJ of some nightclub and he was giving me hints on how to make the t-shirt print that I'm designing. It was really helpful and I was able to incorperate this really awesome stich too. He had really awesome bag designs as well that he helped me with.

After a while it was dark, and I knew I had to eat something but I didn't want to go alone. Suddenly I see this guy that I used to like in highschool, and he was really adament about taking me out. So I hopped in his Jeep and off we drove. As soon as I get in, I get a surge of all these old feeling for him all over. We immediately started to kiss and it was one of those really strong, you feel the earth move, planets align, an earthquake could happen cause our lips connected. It was amazing! No, sorry to dissapoint it didn't turn dirty or anything. He continued to give me sweet little kisses and told me "I just cant stop kissing you, I love you so much." My heart was on fire. We never really got food, just kinda drove around. He showed some great spots where you could see the whole skyline, I didn't want the night to end, much less the dream.

He took me back in the morning, I don't know where I slept but it was morning. I'm walking through the courtyard and I see him again, but this time I pretend I don't see him. I just keep walking and completely ignore him. WTF? Why would I do that? I saw him talking to his friends, and I could of easly just gone over gave a quick hello and left, but no. I choose to just walk away. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he looked up, but nothing. I walked inside this building and I didn't look back at him. He didn't ask me out after that. The end.

So I woke up, it was 6:45 and I jumped up and got ready for work. While driving over here I kept thinking about this dream and how it really reflected my life. I want to do so much, entirely to much. I want to continue acting, I want to start my own T-shirt business, I want to feel passion!! But it's me. I stop myself from doing so many things. I had the opportunity to double major and I didn't take it, I HAVE the opportunity to start my t-shirts but my own lack of motivation is holding me back. And of course, I've passed up some amazing guys in my life because of my own stupidity, and pride. Pride? What do I have to be so proud of? I'm nothing special, and I don't mean that in a I'm so depressed kind of way, no but seriously. I'm really nothing special. I'm just another dime a dozen here. But I think the fact that I can admit that, should say something right? Who knows?

I guess this is part of the ol' figuring myself out process. Oddly enough this is the same place I was my senior year in college. I wanted to do so much, but I held myself back. I was in a relationship that we both knew wasn't gonna go anywhere, but I didn't care. I held on to something that didn't exsist. I wanted to change but I didn't make the effort. At least this time I willing to do all the work that it takes to get myself to where I want to be. Where ever that is.

Don't you love it when your dreams make you question your entire reason for being?

My diet updates and such.

I just got back from my weekly weigh in, and I offically lost 25lbs. WOW! It feels really great to be able to say that. I LOST 25LBS. Plus it's only been 2 months, and I was able to lose that much weight.

Well it came with a lot of hard work, as a few of have noticed and commented to me is that you don't see me out as often. Very true, I had to cut my drinking to practicaly non exisitant which means no going out for me. Yes, I had to stop going out cause I'm easily tempted to down 6 beers like nothing. Unfortunately it's not like that anymore. I hung out with Anabel on Monday and i started buzzing after 1 beer. 3 beers later little old me was drunk. But that's ok, as long as I don't have that beer gut to prove that I can drink I'm alright being a lightweight.
So I've noticed a dramatic change in the way my clothes fit me. You see i'm gauging my weight by what year I wore certain jeans. I was in my 2005 jean for quite a while, but I noticed that those were starting to look loose and like I took a crap in my pants so I tried on a pair of jeans I bought on Dec. 31, 2004 and guess what... they fit! I remember the date cause I needed dark jeans for my outfit that night New Years Eve. I tried on another pair of jeans that were my all time favorite of 2004 and those fit me as well. I looked a bit sausaged into them, but they fit. I think i'll wait a couple more weeks before I give them a go ahead. My ultimate goal is my all-time favorite jeans from 2003. Almost there kids, almost there.
So 25 lbs down and I want to lost about another 40 or so. I know, I know that sounds ridiculous, it really does. But people you don't realize how much weight i gained. I gained sooooo much weight after college, I would say an easy 70lbs. I guess once I finished school, I stopped being active all together. I didn't phathom that I could actually continue playing soccer after college. I'm a moron, I know. But that's changed dramatically, I'm on the treadmill everyday (except Friday and Sundays) I find myself wanting to do more. I told my dad that I wanted to buy a mountain bike and go bike riding somewhere in the wilderness. Of course I got that crazy look from him, then he said that we should have a bike somewhere. Excellent... my next venture. Bike riding.

I want to spend my weekends outside playing sports doing things more athletic. Did you know I played soccer for 8 years? Not many people know that about me, not many see me as athletic but I actually am. I think I felt like I needed to hide it or something casue my mom always told me that sports weren't for girls, I shouldn't be playing sports instead I should study. What? Are you serious!?! I played basketball too, oddly enough I was really good but I liked soccer too much eventually focused my time on that instead. I think I just let the lazy me take over, but no more! New and Improved Val from now on.

Wow I kinda went on a tangent with this blog. I think I'm just going through this whole turning point in my life. This weigh-in (I sound like I'm on celebrity fit club or something) really meant a lot. I looked at my pics from SXSW this year and I was just utterly disgusted with the way I looked and I told myself from that moment on I was going to change, and I did. I've improved myself economically when I got a different (so much better) job, now I'm really focusing on the physical part and up next... the dreaded emotion portion. Ha I kinda rhymed.
I'll diffenetly keep posting all my weight updates, what year jeans I'm wearing and such. Maybe we can go do something, outside, where we can get a tan. Let me know!

second-song-a-phobia

I think I'm a bit morbid. I assume the worst in situations at times. So i'm driving along, in my own world and I hear "Get Back" the Aerosmith version and i'm zoned out. Next thing you know they start playing "Dream On"... wait, why another Aerosmith song? What happened, did they die? Did they crash into the mountains and burn to a crisp somewhere? I think this way, everytime. I hate listening to the 5 o'clock Rock Blocks on KISS cause I automatically think the worst, even though I know that they are going to play more than 1 song from the same artist. It just freaks me out. I'll call this, double-song-a-phobia, second-song-a-phobia. Wait, I don't fear the two songs, I think I fear the outcome of two songs. I fear the reason why they play the two songs.

I remember being in the 8th grade and on the way home I kept hearing Nirvana being played on the radio. Not really listening to anything that the DJ had to say I spaced out just listening to every song singing along in my head. I got home and my friend Leslee called me and I could hear in her voice that something was wrong. Then she said, "Did you hear what happened?" I reply kinda in a little girl gossip mode, "No, what?" She answered almost feeding into the silly middle school drama that we were so ingrossed in, "Nirvana died!" I stopped. My first reaction was shock of course, the whole band was dead? (We obviously didn't have the whole story and learned shortly after that it was just Corbain who's life had ended). I imagined the entire band burning in a fiery plane crash along the Rocky Mountains. Wild imagination I suppose, so I check where any 13 year old would get music news, MTV. Sure enough Kurt Loder informs us of Cobains suicide. (But if you ever watch the Documentary Kurt and Courtney, you may think his suicide was anything but that).

Anywho, fast forward to the next year. My mom was driving me home again and I noticed that Selena is blowing up on the airwaves. I got this weird feeling in my stomach (no not gas) and listened to everything the DJ had to say. Sure enough, she was shot and died later in the hospital, hence the heavy airplay.

So no wonder why I get a little weirded out now by radio. Not that I was a huge Selena fan, Nirvana yes, and their deaths didn't have a major impact on my life or anything. I was still the same person that I was the next day. Tragic yes. But I guess it was the way I found out. Listening to their music, feeling at ease then boom. THIS JUST IN... THEY'RE DEAD. I just recently started listening to radio again and I still cringe everytime the dreaded second song comes on. And it's usualy the classic rock bands that get the double play songs, and I guess in my head since they are "classic" it makes me think even more that they croaked somewhere. I need to start listening to books on CD. Any recommendations?