What I dreamt in an hour.

My alarm goes off at it's usual time of 5:30am. I do my routine I jump up in a panic that I'm horribly late, then I see it's only 5:30 and of course... I fall back asleep. This time, I dream...
I dreamt that it was my senior year of college and I'm right back at OLLU. Only this time I have the "what I know now" knowledge under my belt when I return. I remeber walking to my class I was looking around and this time really appreciating my school, studying the old architecture, looking at all the old desks, as if I'm going antique shopping. Oh, this peice would look great next to my new sofa.

Anywho, I walk into my class room and I sit down. I see my old friend Darlene and you can tell she's in a panic about our empending graduation. I tell her, don't stress.. your gonna walk the stage, I know. I was there, or... I mean I just know you will. I didn't really see many people I knew, but there was a handful of faces that I hadn't seen in a while including this really nice guy that passed away a few years back. I didn't freak out when I saw him, I just kinda played it cool. I smiled, he smiled and it was left at that. The teacher walked in and gave us our lesson. The entire time though I was looking at my graduate plan and seeing how many hours I had, and what I was going to end with when I graduated.

I think in reality I actually ended with 133. I took a lot of 18/19 hour classes, not to mention those fun electives. Aerobic Kick Boxing!!! lol. Anywho, so in my dream I started to ask myself the question that I kinda fussed with back when I was getting ready to graduate. I remeber looking at the course book under the Theater section and noticed that I needed 2 theater classes, a Spanish class then I would of double majored in Psychology and Theater. At the time, I wanted out of school so bad that I opted not to take the extra semester. In my dream though, knowing what I know now I jumped at the chance.

My classmates were stunned by my decision but I didn't care, It was what I should of done from the get-go. So instead of going to the graduation rehearsal I walked to a little t-shirt shop and did what any girl who made a big decision would do... I shopped. lol. I met the store owner/DJ of some nightclub and he was giving me hints on how to make the t-shirt print that I'm designing. It was really helpful and I was able to incorperate this really awesome stich too. He had really awesome bag designs as well that he helped me with.

After a while it was dark, and I knew I had to eat something but I didn't want to go alone. Suddenly I see this guy that I used to like in highschool, and he was really adament about taking me out. So I hopped in his Jeep and off we drove. As soon as I get in, I get a surge of all these old feeling for him all over. We immediately started to kiss and it was one of those really strong, you feel the earth move, planets align, an earthquake could happen cause our lips connected. It was amazing! No, sorry to dissapoint it didn't turn dirty or anything. He continued to give me sweet little kisses and told me "I just cant stop kissing you, I love you so much." My heart was on fire. We never really got food, just kinda drove around. He showed some great spots where you could see the whole skyline, I didn't want the night to end, much less the dream.

He took me back in the morning, I don't know where I slept but it was morning. I'm walking through the courtyard and I see him again, but this time I pretend I don't see him. I just keep walking and completely ignore him. WTF? Why would I do that? I saw him talking to his friends, and I could of easly just gone over gave a quick hello and left, but no. I choose to just walk away. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he looked up, but nothing. I walked inside this building and I didn't look back at him. He didn't ask me out after that. The end.

So I woke up, it was 6:45 and I jumped up and got ready for work. While driving over here I kept thinking about this dream and how it really reflected my life. I want to do so much, entirely to much. I want to continue acting, I want to start my own T-shirt business, I want to feel passion!! But it's me. I stop myself from doing so many things. I had the opportunity to double major and I didn't take it, I HAVE the opportunity to start my t-shirts but my own lack of motivation is holding me back. And of course, I've passed up some amazing guys in my life because of my own stupidity, and pride. Pride? What do I have to be so proud of? I'm nothing special, and I don't mean that in a I'm so depressed kind of way, no but seriously. I'm really nothing special. I'm just another dime a dozen here. But I think the fact that I can admit that, should say something right? Who knows?

I guess this is part of the ol' figuring myself out process. Oddly enough this is the same place I was my senior year in college. I wanted to do so much, but I held myself back. I was in a relationship that we both knew wasn't gonna go anywhere, but I didn't care. I held on to something that didn't exsist. I wanted to change but I didn't make the effort. At least this time I willing to do all the work that it takes to get myself to where I want to be. Where ever that is.

Don't you love it when your dreams make you question your entire reason for being?